私という命 Me, as a Being

湧き上がる想いやエナジーを忠実に人に伝えることは私にとってとても難しい。子供の頃から私の使いたい表現が見つからないことが多く、スムーズに言葉が出てこず、今でも喋るのに苦手意識がある。あなたの日本語、おかしいよ、って度々言われてきたし（笑）。うまく言葉で表現できない故に、音楽という手段を選んで、気持ちを表していたというのもある。今ここに来て、言葉や気持ちの曖昧さを残さず限りなく忠実に文章にするということを、日々の体験のシェアをしながら、ブログを通して挑戦してみたくなりました。

Who am I? 　私は36年間ニューヨークに住む、自然を愛し、人をひっくるめた地球を丸ごと愛し、音を奏で、自宅サロンを設け、土いじりが好きで、型破りで、開放的で、都会にいながら田舎のような暮らしをし、勝手気ままな人生を送ってきた日本生まれの68歳の女性、息子が一人、離婚歴３回。人生の3分の2以上は、公には自分のことをあまり話さないできた。辛いこと、悲しいことは人に見せてはいけない、言ってはいけない、そう思い込み、たとえ辛くても悲しくても楽しそうに振る舞う癖がついていた。そういう時代でもあったけど。十数年ほど前から自己開示が徐々に始まり、自分のストーリーを人と共有することで起こる連鎖の素晴らしさを特にこの２、3年感じているので、その辺もいつか徐々に書いてこうかな。

私が今のこの時代を選んでこの地球に生まれ落ちてきたのは、ありったけの経験をこの身をもって実験したかったからだそうだ。ここ一年程面白おかしく遊んでる遺伝子のデザインを読み解くツール、ゴッドシールもそう言ってる（笑）。多分ゴッドシールをきっかけに、いろいろなタイミングが合わさり、私の中で眠っていたものが発動し始めている。その進展過程での様々な紆余曲折を実録するブログになるかと思っているので、後々の誰かの参考になれば嬉しいな。

It has always been very difficult for me to faithfully communicate the thoughts and energy that well up from within. Since childhood, I often couldn’t find the expressions I truly wanted to use. Words wouldn’t come out smoothly, and even now I still feel self-conscious about speaking. I’ve often been told, “Your Japanese sounds strange,” (laugh).

Partly because I couldn’t express myself well with words, I think I chose music as my way of conveying my feelings. Now, at this point in my life, I feel called to challenge myself in a different way—through sharing my daily experiences on a blog, and striving to put my thoughts and emotions into words as faithfully and clearly as possible, leaving as little ambiguity as I can.

Who am I?I am a 68-year-old woman, born in Japan, who has lived in New York for 36 years. I love nature—and the Earth as a whole, including all of humanity. I play music, run a small salon, and enjoy working with soil. I’m unconventional, open-hearted, and free-spirited. Even while living in the city, I’ve created a country-like life for myself, following my own rhythm and living as I please. I have a son, and divorced 3 times.

For near two-thirds of my life, I rarely spoke publicly about myself. I believed that I shouldn’t show or talk about pain or sadness. Even when I was struggling, I would act cheerful. It was partly a habit—and partly the times I grew up in. About fifteen years ago, I gradually began opening up. Especially over the past two or three years, I’ve deeply felt the beauty of the chain reactions that happen when we share our personal stories with others. I hope to slowly write about that as well.

I’ve been told that I chose to be born on this Earth, at this particular time, because I wanted to experiment with as many experiences as possible in this body. That’s also what the tool I’ve been playfully exploring over the past year—God Seal, a system for reading one’s genetic design—seems to say. Perhaps through God Seal, along with many other perfectly timed events, something that had been sleeping inside me has begun to awaken.

This blog will likely become a real-time record of the twists and turns of that unfolding process. If it can someday serve as a reference or encouragement for someone else, I would be very happy.